This fake news just in…
LIMP CHIMP Chairman Outlines the Law
The chairman of the Lipstick-Image-Mania Prevention sub-committee, which falls under the authority of the Committee Hovering Incessantly Making Prohibitions (LIMP CHIMPs) trumpeted:
“Lipstick has no known medical value and only serves to distract and alter the minds, bodies, and appearances of men and women everywhere! Including pregnant mommies and darling children. This mind-altering product is a serious impairment in the work place, on the roads, and in our schools!
“Lipstick addicts have been unnaturally disfiguring themselves for years and our children have gone haywire using lipstick on themselves with tragic consequences.
“Vain-dope-wax’s addictive qualities ensure that—mostly—women have dozens upon dozens of containers of it at any one time.
“Beauticians can not prescribe ‘medical lipstick’ because lipstick has no known medical uses!”
Anonymous Congressman Agrees
Said one troubled Congressman who wished to remain anonymous, “My wife can’t get enough. It’s like every day there is a new color, a new reason to buy lipstick, a new hot model with her own brand. It’s a serious addiction!
“The worst part is my wife can tell the difference between a smudge of her lipstick on my collar and a smudge from, well, an acquaintance, an aide who … accidentally bumped against me in an elevator … anyway …
“As part of this legislation we have created Lipstick Treatment Centers where these ill people can go to be reformed members of society. I am confident these people will come to thank us and realize the errors of their ways, and how delusional their minds became under the influence of dope-wax.”
Forty-Million Already in Lipstick Treatment Centers
In the first week of lipstick prohibition forty-million people—mostly women—have already voluntarily sought treatment in Lipstick Treatment Centers, which lipstick prohibitionists claim shows that lipstick really is a health problem.
Another advocate for Lipstick Prohibition told us, “Well, I’d rather see this as the crime issue it really is, more enforcement and respect for our laws is what’s needed; but you know those bleeding hearts…
In any case, that these women chose to go to treatment instead of prison just shows you they recognize that lipstick addiction really is a serious sickness they have. If they didn’t view it as a sickness, then they’d have chosen prison, it’s that simple.”
The newly created Lipstick Interdiction Police Service (LIPS) was given an $800 Billion dollar budget to stamp out the vain-dope-wax menace. So far they have conducted more than 5,000 successful raids on beauty shops, suburban homes, retirement communities, and kindergarden classes through high schools nationwide.
Some economists claim these raids are a net-win for society, “The number of doors, hinges, and locks that have to be replaced now is really a boon to our industrial sector. To that, add the occasional family pet which has to be replaced due to it being shot dead; this really helps our overburdened animals shelters. Then of course there are all the drapes that have to be replaced, and many other tradesmen are brought in to spiff-up each location after a dope-wax raid and the accidental destruction of such things like medicine cabinets, bureaus, chest-of-drawers, and more. Just more economic activity that needs to take place in an otherwise stagnant economy.”
Lipstick Violence on the Increase. Pedaling Trikes & Peddling Lipstick.
One Lipstick Interdiction-Agent Recruit (LIAR) informed us, “Already we’ve seen an uptick in lipstick violence in our schools. Teachers and principals are reporting children as young as 10 years old dealing lipstick! Kids pedaling bikes and peddling lipstick at the same time! I can tell this is going to be a serious problem. Already we’re forming education classes to educate kids on the dangers of vain-dope-wax and its addictive qualities.
“We’re also seeing mammoth amounts of lipstick violence south of our border in Mexico, Central, and South America. The dope-wax cartels formed fast. This just shows the intrinsically-dangerous nature of dope-wax and how corrupting it is on society.
“Please get the word out to teens and twenty-somethings everywhere. ‘This underground lipstick is not pure, and even if it was, it has no medical value, why get caught with lipstick and ruin your life? Buying lipstick only supports the terrorists who thrive on violence and those who love to lord authority over others.’
“Fringe groups supporting the end of dope-wax prohibition are not counting the cost to society if we just suddenly allow anyone and everyone to have access to vain-dope-wax. It sends the wrong message to children, that vanity is acceptable. All dope-wax does is alter the small and fragile minds of those who use it and those who have to look at it. I can’t stand it, like a bull, I go in to a rage at the thought of seeing it.
“What is really needed is stronger enforcement, we should be allowed to shoot-on-site, more get-tough laws, the death penalty for anyone of any age caught; public executions will send the right message.”